North Pole Bombshell: Elves to Be Shelved! by Marcy Dilworth

MEMORANDUM

TO:                 The Elf Consortium

FROM:           Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus

RE:                 Downsizing¹

DATE:            November 24, 2019

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After extensive thought and countless sleepless nights, it is with great sadness and disappointment that I announce the downsizing of our North Pole headquarters. Physical, marketplace, and socio-political changes factored into our decision, as outlined below.

Physical

Our physical headquarters sits on a mass of ice. No one can deny that both the thickness and the breadth of our ice-home have shrunk over the last couple of decades, more rapidly over the last several years. Our prayers and support remain with the families of the elves lost when the Mr. Potato Head facility submerged through unprecedentedly-thin ice that fateful August night.

Efforts to lobby “the most powerful country on earth” to lead the world on a better path appear to have backfired; all evidence points to them worsening the warming. We will continue to commit resources to the solution of this global problem, but with their current leadership, we remain pessimistic. In fact, the U.S. administration suggested that we relocate our operation to Florida, purchasing our land through them. Their “science” resources don’t acknowledge that melting ice turns into more water in the ocean—and that water will continue to encroach on and flood Florida’s coastline.

Marketplace

You know it, I know it: Amazon. We deliver countless gifts, on-time, every-time, one night a year. They offer one-day service (same-day service for select items, for heaven’s sake) every %$+*@& day. Instant gratification is no longer the exception—it’s a way of life. For those with plenty, there’s not much left for their Santa wish list.

Socio-political

The well-being of our business and the Santa Claus brand is fueled by customers’ belief—the sleigh runs on it! Unfortunately, the erosion of faith in long-trusted institutions has bled over into even our loving, giving organization. And then last week’s fake news happened.

Grinch News aired this ridiculous announcement: “U.S. President is Santa Claus! All good² boys and girls to receive double the gifts this year.” To our astonishment, more than 40% of the country believed it, and re-routed their gift demands from The North Pole to the White House. On Christmas morning, when these promises go unmet, we’re confident the White House will announce that the blame lies in a conspiracy cooked up by the Democrats, Stephen Colbert, and me. Instead of believing in Santa, after a lifelong and joyful association, the 40% will believe that.

Recommendations for your next challenge

The skills you elves have honed over centuries will serve you well in the modern world. Here are a few suggested bullet points to add to your resumes/job applications:

• Career-long history of on-time delivery.
• Logistics expertise.
• Adept at discerning and fulfilling customers’ desires.
• Deep product knowledge in toys, consumer electronics, and jewelry.
• Capable of working long hours.
• Great teammate—cheerful, gregarious, hardworking.

I’d be delighted to serve as a reference for any of you.

A specific recommendation: Take a look at Target. They value customer service and warehouse-related skills such as package organizing, handling and distribution. Plus, they require that their employees wear red attire throughout the year. Who’s got more red coats, sweaters, polo shirts, and pants than Santa and the Elf Consortium? Nobody!

Additionally, for any of you who may have been bitten by the acting bug: Given the wealth of movies and TV shows featuring folks of your description, demand for your services has never been higher. Break a leg!

Looking to the future

As long as we can safely do so, we will conduct operations out of our North Pole location. Large manufacturing will be outsourced and/or moved to places that have declared themselves not for sale to the U.S. president (Greenland being one such example). We will focus less on toys and, within our limited budget, more on providing the basics to those who have the most need.

As devastated as we feel today, let us keep our hope alive. I believe we can effect positive change regardless of our place of work. I pray we will prevail soon. I have faith in the many truly good people in the world. Let’s make it better together, and take care of each other during the holidays and all the rest of the year.

A subdued but heartfelt “Ho Ho Ho” to each and every one of you,

Santa

¹ “Downsizing” is not a height-ist term; it is widely accepted as the appropriate word for what ensues when circumstances force an organization to reduce workforce, capacity, etc.

² “Good” definition applies to those children with parents who have: standing monetary commitments to the president, at least gold-level Frequent Guest cards for the president’s properties, and incomes greater than $250,000. Santa’s Note: Only a tiny percentage of the folks directing their Christmas letters to the White House will meet these criteria; the rest will not benefit.

Marcy Dilworth writes short fiction and non-fiction. Her stories have recently been published in Blink-Ink’s 10th Anniversary edition and Literary Mama. She earned her English degree at the University of Virginia, and her sense of humor at the hands of four older siblings. She lives in her recently emptied nest with her husband and their precocious rescue pup, Kirby. Marcy can be found on Twitter @MCDHoo41.