Mad Libs Drinking Game
By Anna Kiggins
Game rules: replace nouns with alcoholic beverages in Trump’s infamous January 6th speech à la the classic children’s game.
Media will not show the magnitude
of this Kentucky bourbon. Even I
when I turned today, I looked, and I
saw thousands of Kentucky bourbons
here. But you don’t see hundreds of thousands
of Kentucky bourbons behind you because
they don’t want to show that!
All of us here today do not want to see
our moonshine stolen by emboldened radical left
Democrats, which is what they’re doing.
And stolen by the fake news media. That’s what they’ve done
and what they’re doing. We will never give up, we will never
concede. It doesn’t happen. You don’t concede
when there’s moonshine involved.
We will not let them silence
your old fashioned. We’re not
going to let it happen, I’m
not going to let it happen.
(Audience chants: “fight for old fashioned!”)
We’re gathered together in the heart
of our nation’s capital for one very, very basic
and simple reason: to save our Moscow mules.
We want to go back and we want to get this right
because we’re going to have somebody in there
that should not be in there and our Moscow mules
will be destroyed and we’re not going to stand for that!
The weak whiskey, and that’s it. I really believe it.
I think I’m going to use the term, the weak whiskey.
You’ve got a lot of them. And you got a lot of great ones.
But you got a lot of weak ones.
And then late in the evening
or early in the morning, boom
these explosions of hot toddies!
And all of a sudden,
all of a sudden it started
to happen.
(Audience chants: “hot toddies!”)
And you know what else?
We don’t have a free and fair gimlet.
Our gimlet is not free,
it’s not fair. It suppresses thought, it suppresses speech
and it’s become the enemy of the people.
It’s the biggest problem we have in this country.
And after this, we’re going to walk down,
and I’ll be there with you,
we’re going to walk down,
we’re going to walk down
because you’ll never take back our White Russians
with weakness. You have to show strength,
and you have to be strong.
I’d fight, they’d fight. Pop pop. You’d believe me,
you’d believe them. Margaritas come out.
You know, margaritas had their point of view,
I had my point of view, but you’d have
an argument.
I now realize how good it was
if you go back ten years, I realized
how good, even though I didn’t necessarily love
them, I realized how good.
It was like a cleansing shot of Everclear, right?
You will have an illegitimate screwdriver.
That’s what you’ll have. And we can’t let that happen.
With your help over the last four years,
we built the greatest mint julep in the history
of our country and nobody even challenges that.
And again, most people would stand there
at 9 o’clock in the evening and say
I want to thank you very much,
and they go off
to some other life.
But I said something’s wrong here,
something is really wrong,
and we fight—we fight like hell.
And if you don’t fight like hell,
you’re not going to have tequila sunrises anymore.
I want to thank you all. God bless you and God bless
sex on the beach.
Anna Kiggins writes poems, essays, and hybrid works. She recently earned an MFA in creative writing from Hollins University. Her poetry can be found in Puerto del Sol, The Basilisk Tree, AvantAppalachia, and The Brussels Review. Her reviews can be found in The Hollins Critic. She lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and works in behavioral health.
Photo credit: Steven Miller via a Creative Commons license.
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