Reverse Existential Crisis

By Emmett Forrest

My mom used to tell this story all the time
When the nurses tried to give me yet another shot
I glared at the nurses until they cried
When the doctor tried to slip in another IV
he needed 3 nurses to hold down a blue faced baby
By the time I was 6
I had more IVs prick my veins than I could count
To be fair
I couldn’t count very high
You see, Death and I are quite acquainted.

Many of my friends are beginning to realize
That death will knock on their door one day
I am already used to hearing death
Breathe outside the window

There is a problem with familiar morbidity
I run myself ragged trying to make my days “worth it”
Trying to make ripples into waves
I forget that this body is a body
To this day I am reminded of the sacrifices
My parents made to keep this body alive
The cigarettes my dad put away
The job my mom lost
The cost of my medications

When my friend asks me if I want to be
A 90 year old with boobs
I am shocked at the premise
That I could be 90 one day
You see, when doctors tell you
You’re lucky to be alive
You believe them
And wonder when you’re luck will run out

I am staring out of a bus window
The noise in my head clears, for a moment
Like the sun creaking in between clouds
I admit to myself that I want to be a teacher one day
That I want to be the adult at the front of the classroom
Guiding the next generation into their tomorrows
Like my teachers of yesterday’s gently guided me
I want students to see me as a glimmer of the future

It is 2AM
I wake up crying
Because I dreamt that I was a father
I adopted a son
Taught him what it could mean to be a self made man
Showed him gentle masculinity

I am crying because
I realize that I’ve been living with
other people’s dreams in the space of my own
I am crying because
I wonder if people will regret their cigarettes, the job, the 150$ a month
If I cannot become a woman, a wife, a mother
I am crying because
I am afraid I won’t get to see my own dreams
Now that I am holding them in my hands
Like fragile hatchlings
I am crying because
For the first time I realize
I don’t want to live every day like it’s my last
I don’t want to just survive, just staying above water
I want to see many more tomorrows
And I am crying because
For the first time I realize
This life is mine

Emmett Forrest is a transmasculine engineer working in the Boston area. He got his bachelor’s at MIT and currently spends his days writing poetry, playing with their lizard, and enjoying the little bit of sun that Boston spring has to offer.

Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash.