Breitmark News

By Mark Ozeroff

Breitmark News
1/24/17

President Trump has officially declared the day of his inauguration a national holiday, filing the paperwork on Monday. The proclamation read:

“Now, therefore, I, Donald J. Trump, president of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Jan. 20, 2017, as National Day of Patriotic Devotion, in order to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country—and to renew the duties of government to the people.”

In the background, counselor Kellyanne Conway sang D, O, N  –  A, L, D  –  T, R, U, M, P to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club, whilst simultaneously twirling two batons.

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Breitmark News
12/13/17

Judge Roy Moore took the high road last night, conceding defeat like the gentleman he is. He noted: “That &*#! *!&}*! I told that ^*%#@ he couldn’t &*$!< his *%@ if his own &?@ was +$#%!”

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Breitmark News
12/26/17

Almost a year into his presidency, Donald Trump has firmly established himself as the Fast Food President. He has no discernible taste, adds nothing nutritional to the political diet, and is mostly composed of fillers and strange colorings. He is The McDonald.

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Breitmark News
4/30/18

The Nobel Committee today undertook an action it hasn’t performed since 1969, when the Economics Prize was added to the original five awards. In response to a Michigan campaign rally, where the president led calls to be short-listed for the Peace Prize, the Committee has created a seventh category. Thus far, Donald Trump is the only nominee for the Ignoble Piece Prize.

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Breitmark News
5/10/18

News from the Mideast for President Trump is mixed today. On the plus side, the new U.S. Embassy will be open for business soon in Jerusalem. On the minus side, Jerusalem may no longer be standing.

Summary: At this point any Trump supporters left are, in actuality, athletic supporters.

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Breitmark News
6/18/18

Some children are born with silver spoons in their mouths; others shiver beneath silver space blankets.

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Breitmark News
7/10/18

Presidential advisor Stephen Miller recently picked up a large takeout order of sushi from a Washington restaurant. While departing, a bartender reportedly extended both his middle fingers. Miller “protested” by throwing the entire order into a trashcan.

Irony in life is rich and ever present: Witness a poisonous blowfish throwing away an order of poisonous blowfish. It even turns out that Miller’s middle name is Fugu … At least that’s what it sounded like the other protesters were yelling at him.

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Breitmark News
7/12/18

Fox News political editor Chris Stirewalt yesterday predicted the course that Donald Trump’s upcoming NATO meeting would take. He claimed the president would “fly into Brussels like a seagull, defecate all over everything, then squawk and fly away.” Every now and again, the pressure builds up in Fox newscasters until the truth just explodes like a grenade.

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Breitmark News
7/19/18

Well, it’s been quite a week for the president. First, he stirred NATO up like a hornet’s nest, before fleeing Brussels for a quiet visit in Britain. But the only silent object on the entire island was a balloon he preferred to avoid, so he took flight to Finland to visit an old, dear friend. By the time Trump touched down on American soil, even Republican senators were scowling and muttering under their collective breath. Welcome home, Benedict Donald.

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Breitmark News
7/28/18

President Trump is considering the nomination of Thomas Tramaglini to replace the unpopular Betsy DeVos, as Secretary of Education in his cabinet. Tramaglini became famous in his last job as the Superintendent of Kenilworth, N.J.’s school system, when surveillance video caught him with his pants down, defecating on a high school track. The so-called “Pooperintendent”—who has filed a million dollar lawsuit for the staining of his reputation and invasion of privacy—recently relieved himself of his duties.

Trump was quick to take up his cause, tweeting: “I think we’ve all done something like this. Trumita…Tremijal…Tom will help us drain the swamp! MAGA!”

Mark Ozeroff holds an MBA and a Commercial pilot license. He is a ravenous reader, one who believes that fiction can sometimes tell a more profound truth than history. Mark may be the most undisciplined author since Jack Kerouac—he writes slower than a glacier descends a fjord, and his first drafts are rougher than forty-grit sandpaper. Mark’s debut novel earned a gold medal from the Military Writers Society of America, just in time for his first publisher to go belly-up. He relocated to California, to lick his wounds and write In the Weeds. Follow Mark on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mark.ozeroff.

Photo credit: Kit Niederer via a Creative Commons license.