Heaven Can’t Wait

By Dean Liscum

Less than 48 hours after the mass murder of 26 people in a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, investigators are pursuing a theory that the attack was planned by the congregation itself. They were tipped off by Fox News host, Ainsley Earhardt.

During an interview with Texas Governor Greg Abbott, Earhardt suggested that she and her co-workers of faith thought a church was the best place to be shot. She reasoned, as much as a Fox News host can, that being shot in a Christian sanctuary was the best of all possible scenarios. “We’re all going to die,” she pointed out, “so it doesn’t get any better than dying while close to Christ and asking for forgiveness.”

That comment got the local sheriff to thinking. “The proximity to Jesus makes this scene a perfect place for a self-assassination,” he said enviously.

According to the department’s latest theory, the attacker was actually managed by Heaven Can’t Wait LLC.

Our researchers have found that Heaven Can’t Wait’s incorporation papers state it is an organization that traffics in end-of days and rapture fantasies. It advertises that it is uniquely qualified to “hurry you to Heaven.”

The company website, recently shut down, indicates their only product offering is “Expedition to Eternity,” product code E2E.

The E2E kit includes detailed plans for:

• How to recruit a member, or friend of a member, or a disgruntled ex-in-law to be the “hero”
• Where churchgoers should stand to receive their hollow-point blessings
• When the deliverance should take place.

The offering also comes with several package add-ons, including:

• A choice of weaponry: AR-15, AR-15 with banana clip, AR-15 with automatic firing kit
• Costume options including: Disgruntled Postal Worker, Black Ops Wannabe, and Open Carry White Guy
• Pre-scripted social media post packages designed to throw investigators off the real motive behind the attack. Options include: Domestic Issues, Hillary’s Emails, and Failure to Apply Oneself in School, Thus Unable to Get the Job They Didn’t Work Hard Enough to Earn and So It’s the Immigrant’s Fault.

The plan outlines how the shooter should prepare for and execute the “mission of mercy.” It also provides tips for “recipients of eternity” to ease the process.

Once the “expeditor” has performed his duties, the white male leaves the sanctuary by foot or automobile. When alone, he’s instructed to dial into the company’s private confession hotline, which is outsourced to Bangalore, India; confess to “hurrying along to Heaven” his fellow churchgoers and the suicide that he’s about to commit; ask for and receive forgiveness prior to the act; and then finish the job by shooting himself with a silver bullet that has been pre-blessed and disinfected.

The lead investigator is certain that his theory is correct, but he says it will be hard to prove. The owner of Heaven Can’t Wait is one of the alleged “willing victims.” Authorities suspect that because of shooting’s finality, it was conducted as an exchange of services and not a monetary transaction. Thus, no money changed hands, which makes it difficult to trace.

“Worst of all,” added the town comptroller, who also serves as its coroner, “it’s not taxable.”

“It just doesn’t seem fair,” said one of the junior detectives and a member of the congregation who skipped church that day. “The perpetrators get to escape prosecution and all the evils of this mortal coil. They expedite themselves and their loved ones to an eternal reward, and the rest of us have to clean up the mess.”

Law enforcement organizations and Chambers of Commerce across the country worry about copycats. “This could get bigly.” The comptroller/coroner said. “Once this heavenly business model gets out, we expect it to flourish in Texas, Florida, and anywhere else that people love god and guns, and hate taxes.”

Dean Liscum lives in Houston, Texas and writes fiction. Sometimes it works. Other times, not so much.