By Tara Campbell
Neighbors,
These are difficult times for True Patriots. With election season coming up, the lamestream media is going to start sniffing around our peaceful Neighborhood, asking for our opinions on things. You never know when an Enemy of the State is going to stick a microphone in your face, waiting for you to say something “Offensive” to make their bosses happy; or worse yet, catch you unawares, undercover with a hidden microphone, and splash your First Amendment Speech all over the news for Socialists to mischaracterize as “Racist.”
It’s always one thing or another, isn’t it? First, they said we didn’t respect Women, even though we let one run the PTA for Pete’s Sake. Then, it was how we treat Illegals, and now we’re supposed to be Racist.
Well, I’m tired of these Outsiders coming around, taking up our parking spots in front of the Diner and eating the last piece of pie while doing their Gotcha Journalism. That’s why I produced this Flyer, printed on 100% genuine American Flag letterhead so you know it’s True, and put it in your mailbox to tell you how to Arm yourselves against unfounded accusations of Racism and Bigotry.
When you see an Enemy of the State, or anyone else who isn’t from the Neighborhood (because remember, undercover), use the following phrases with caution:
“I’m not Racist but…”
When you hear yourself starting a sentence this way, stop and think: Is the person you’re speaking to really White-white, or do they just look White? Things have gotten to the point in this Country where you can’t be sure, and if you’re not certain, you’re probably not in a safe space to finish this sentence.
“How was ‘[insert your statement]’ Racist?”
Never ask this question around someone who has experienced Racism, or any kind of Bias, because frankly, they are too close to the issue to give you an objective answer. They are way too Biased to be trusted with a question of Bias.
“It honestly didn’t even occur to me to interpret it that way. I’m Colorblind, I guess.”
Caution: Be prepared to show more than two forms of Minority friend as proof—and no, your babysitter or your lawn guy are not valid for this purpose, no matter how nice you are to them.
“They’re the ones creating Division by talking about it.”
As true as this may be, it only makes the other side angrier when you point it out, opening the way for more trouble for you in the form of Facts and Evidence. Locate an exit in advance, so you can storm out of it easily if they react in this manner.
“He didn’t really mean that.”
Have a Plan. The other side will often be able to provide verbatim quotes, and follow up by asking you how to interpret that phrase, leading you to make statements you will have to apologize for later. Be prepared to either say he misspoke, or to tell them why they shouldn’t take it so seriously. If you choose the second tack, be sure not to use examples of threats that have actually come to pass.
“Go back to their Country”
Even if you say nice things about whatever Country it is, that phrase just ticks people off, and then they start talking about History, and Indians, and Pox Blankets, and that doesn’t end well, so just forget it.
Please note, the following words are also to be used with the utmost care.
Racially-charged
It’s elegant, yes, but it is beginning to lose its power due to the other side calling it insufficiently “accurate” or “rigorous” or “True”
American
Yes, we know what that means, but the other side will pretend not to, goading you into an actual explanation that will make you say things that you will later have to say you didn’t really mean. We know what this word means, so there is no need to explain ourselves.
Freedom
Again, crystal clear to those of us who already have and cherish it, but the other side tends to expand the definition too far beyond Firearms, Capitalism, and Christianity to have a meaningful discussion about it.
One last note, Neighbors: I’ve been careful to distribute this Flyer to everyone but that one family on Elm St., and I trust that you know which family that is. They will likely not be able understand the true intent of this Flyer, which is certainly NOT “Racist,” but Educational. If they encounter this Flyer, they may misunderstand it, and explicitly disallow their use as proof of Minority friends, and none of us can afford that.
And lastly, if anyone has any Questions—I’ve found it’s best not to ask.
Respectfully,
Your Neighbor
Tara Campbell (www.taracampbell.com) is a writer, teacher, Kimbilio Fellow, and fiction editor at Barrelhouse. Prior publication credits include SmokeLong Quarterly, Masters Review, Jellyfish Review, Booth, and Strange Horizons. She’s the author of a novel, TreeVolution, a hybrid fiction/poetry collection; Circe’s Bicycle, and a short story collection, Midnight at the Organporium. She received her MFA from American University in 2019.
Photo by James Kenny on Unsplash.
Share your thoughts about this.