Gallop Poll by Grace Jelsnik

A post-election Gallop Poll surveying 20,000 adults between the ages of 28 and 29 revealed the following startling results:

• 60% of the high-school dropouts who voted for Donald Trump believed he not only won the popular vote but also is the lead singer in the punk band Myopic.
• 22% of the people who voted for Donald Trump said their tin-foil hats led them to the polls.
• 37% of the people who didn’t vote for Donald Trump have googled “nuclear fallout shelters” in the last two weeks.
• 4% of the people who voted for Donald Trump said they’d have voted for anyone else if it hadn’t been for the live bomb strapped to their chests.
• 23% of the people who voted for Donald Trump said they’d had the munchies and thought they were placing an order.
• 48% of the respondents said they’d meant to vote but drove away at the sight of the Nazi-flag patches on several black leather jackets.
• 1% of the people who voted for Donald Trump screamed, “I did what you asked! When do I get my child back?”
• 12% of the people who voted for Donald Trump asked the pollster what in the hell he or she was talking about.
• 100% of the people who didn’t vote for Donald Trump didn’t vote for Richard Nixon, either.
• 100% of the people who voted for Donald Trump wanted to know the race and religion of the pollster before they would take the poll. 42% of them wouldn’t respond unless the pollster could tell them who won the 2015 World Series. 13% wanted to know whether the pollster spoke Spanish.
• 39% of the people who voted for Donald Trump said the vote was part of an investment strategy in anticipation of a reduced overseas demand for United States grain.
• 28% of the people who voted for Donald Trump cited business concerns, such as the sales of guns, spray paint, wooden crosses, and bedsheets.
• 100% of the people who didn’t vote for Donald Trump refused to give their names.

Grace Jelsnik earned her M.A. in English with an emphasis on creative writing at the University of South Dakota. Under the name Grace Jelsnik, she writes novels emphasizing complicated plots, realistic characters, and rural settings. Under the pseudonym Sylvia McKenzie, she writes literary fiction and satire. “Gallop Poll” is from Making America Groan Again, a collection of lampoons.

Photo credit: Steve Snodgrass via a Creative Commons license.